


Not That Neapolitan

by Raziel12



Category: Final Fantasy XIII, RWBY
Genre: Gen, Humor, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 13:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2695295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raziel12/pseuds/Raziel12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A horde of rabid fans have surrounded the studio. But which Neapolitan are they after? Neo, Roman, and Ruby are going to have to make a run for it with Lightning, Fang, and Vanille.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not That Neapolitan

**Not That Neapolitan**

The crowd of fans that had gathered in front of the studio was truly impressive in both size and ferocity. Indeed, their fervour had reached utterly maniacal levels, leading to the swift retreat of the studio’s security guards as they waited for back up – lots and lots of back up – to arrive. Naturally, that back up proved completely worthless in the face of an angry mob armed with signs, stakes, torches, and even a few pitchforks.

“We want Neapolitan!” the mob chanted as they set one of the abandoned security cars ablaze. “We want Neapolitan! Give us Neapolitan now or else!”

Meanwhile, inside the studio…

“We’ve got a problem.” Ruby peeked out the window. The mere outline of her head was enough to drive the fans into frenzy. One of them even hurled a bra in her direction. Luckily for Ruby, the undergarment merely bounced off the reinforced glass. She didn’t even want to think of what would have happened if it had been normal glass – the fans probably would have broken in by now. “There’s a fan mob out there chanting for Neo.”

Roman glanced over Ruby’s shoulder – his appearance was met with a frilly piece of underwear – and shuddered. “Damn it. How’d they even know that we were filming the newest episode today?”

“Someone must have leaked the info online. There’s like a billion fan websites out there.” Ruby made a face. It was bad enough that the studio had asked her to come in during the middle of the night to film a few scenes from Season 3 of the RWBY television show, but having to deal with rabid fans was just too much. On the upside, at least it wasn’t her name they were chanting. “Do you think we could sneak her out somehow?”

Neo didn’t say a word. Instead, she tugged on Roman’s sleeve and gave the man a terrified look.

“Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, red. Remember what happened the last time that Weiss tried to sneak out the back?” Roman made a face. “That didn’t exactly go well.” 

Ruby growled. No, it had gone the opposite of well. Weiss had gotten about three steps before being overwhelmed by fans. Ruby had been forced to go out there with her prop scythe and beat the fans off before they could get too out of control. It had taken security an hour to subdue the fan mob. “We could always wait for security.”

Roman pointed out the window. “See that big burning thing? That’s a security car. I think that we can safely conclude that security is not going to be much help for a while. And frankly, I’m not sure how much longer the doors will hold even if they are reinforced.” He paused. “Then again… they might not be here for us.”

“What do you mean?” Ruby pursed her lips.

“Well, we’re not the only ones filming tonight and Neapolitan might not mean Neo…”

Meanwhile, in another part of the studio…

“We’re doomed!” Vanille wailed. The mob outside had begun constructing a rudimentary battering ram out of the burnt out remains of a security car. She would have admired their ingenuity if it weren’t about to result in a horde of screaming fans bursting in. “There are a horde of Neapolitan fans surrounding the building!”

Lightning took a deep breath and then stomped over. She grabbed Vanille by the collar of her shirt and lifted her off the ground. “This is all your fault for posting that stupid post on the forums! Now everybody thinks that you, Fang, and I are part of some crazy threesome – and that’s not even counting the people who think that Serah is part of it too! Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just throw you at the mob and make a run for it.”

“Because I’d die.” Vanille gurgled. “And that would make you sad.”

“Yes, you would, and, no, it wouldn’t.” Lightning tightened her grip. “Try again.”

“Because technically, you and Fang really do have sex, so I wasn’t totally lying.”

Lightning started dragging Vanille over to the window. “Do you want to go out the window head-first or feet-first?”

“Wait!” Fang finally decided to intervene instead of watching. “Look, I know you want to kill her, Lightning, and I kind of do too, but we can’t. Not even Vanille deserves death by fan mob. What we need is a plan…” She trailed off, eyes narrowing. “Hey, has it occurred to you that they might not be here for us?”

“Explain.” Lightning loosened her grip on Vanille a fraction but remained close to the window.

“They’ve been chanting for Neapolitan all night, but there’s another kind of Neapolitan… and she might just be our ticket out of here…”

Five minutes later, inside the studio…

“Oh!” Ruby grinned. “So that’s what Neapolitan means.” She waggled her eyebrows at Lightning, Fang, and Vanille. “That sounds, well, kind of hot.”

Lightning’s eye twitched and she glared – ferociously – at the girl. Ruby immediately retreated behind Roman. “We are not having sex.”

“Technically, you and Fang are – gah!” 

Lightning pulled Vanille into a headlock. “That is not something they need to know.” She took a deep breath in a bid to stay calm. “Anyway, we were wondering if maybe they were after Neo instead of us.”

“Actually,” Roman said. “We were hoping they were here for you three and not her.” He nodded at Neo. “I’d rather not have to explain to Cinder why one of her favourite co-workers got swarmed by fans. Trust me, you don’t want to see her when she’s pissed off. Not all of that doom and gloom on the show is faked.”

“The only way we can find out for sure if they’re here for her or for us is to ask the fans.” Fang shuddered. “And I really, really don’t want to encourage them.”

“Neither do I.” Roman sighed. “Do you have a better suggestion?”

“I might.” Fang grinned. “How fast can you guys run?”

“I’m fast!” Ruby put her hand up. “As in super fast. Sure, I don’t actually have super powers, but I’m still the fastest person on the show in real life.”

“Yeah, yeah, we get it, red. You’re some kind of sprinting prodigy.” Roman fumbled in his pockets for something to smoke. Nothing. Damn it, that brat Emerald must have filched them again. “But, yeah, I can run pretty fast when I have to. Neo might be just a tad slower than Ruby here.”

Neo nodded firmly.

“Good.” Fang smirked. “Because my plan is pretty simple. We don’t know who they’re after, but we do know that most of them are fans of both our shows. If we all go out at the same time and run in opposite directions, they might have a total freak out at seeing all of us together, giving us an opportunity to run for it.”

“Run to where, exactly?” Roman really needed to smoke something. This plan was probably going to end up with him fighting fans off with a broken chair or something.

“Lightning’s car is in the car park behind the next building over. If we can make it there, there’s no way that they’ll be able to catch us.” Fang put one arm around Lightning. “Lightning here can drive just as well in real life as she can on the show.”

“Awesome.” Ruby smiled. “I’ve always wanted to do a car chase!”

“Red, try to be serious for a second here.” Roman scratched the back of his head. “What happens if someone falls behind?”

“They get killed by rabid fans.” Vanille shrugged. “I thought was obvious.”

Everyone stared at the redhead.

“What?”

“You’re not helping,” Lightning said. “Look, I think Fang’s plan is the best chance we’ve got. Our only alternative is to hunker down until more helps arrives but…” She trailed off as a loud bang echoed through the studio. The fans’ improvised battering ram was slowly but surely breaking the door down. “I don’t think that’s an option.”

“Fine.” Roman grabbed his prop cane. “But make sure to bring something you can hit people with. It might come in handy.”

Another five minutes later, at the front doors of the studio…

“Is everyone ready?” Lightning asked.

“Yep,” Fang replied.

“Maybe,” Vanille said.

“I’m ready!” Ruby chirped.

Neo nodded.

“Please, let’s just get this over with,” Roman said.

Lightning reached for the switch that would open the doors – and flicked it. The doors swung open, and the fans operating the battering ram stumbled in.

“It’s them!” one of the fans shrieked. “It’s them!”

“Run!” Lightning roared as she dropped one overzealous fan with a left hook before using them as a club to knock the others away. “Run for your lives!”

They didn’t need to be told twice. Lightning, Fang, and Vanille took off in one direction as Ruby, Neo, and Roman took off in the other. They would meet up in the car park behind the next building over – if everything went well.

The crowd of fans stared for a moment and then rumbled into motion, splitting perfectly in half. Apparently, half of them were there for Lightning, Fang, and Vanille while the other half were there for Neo.

“Run!” Roman shouted as he turned to throw the remains of a bench into the crowd. “Don’t look back!” Honestly, Cinder would have his hide if he let something happen to Neo, and Yang would beat him to death for real if anything happened to Ruby. “Go!”

“There’s too many of them!” Vanille cried as she grabbed some change out of her wallet and hurled it back at the pursuing fans. She got a few of them in the head, and they tripped, knocking down some of the others. 

“Stop talking and run!” Lightning growled. Beside her, Fang grabbed the remains of a security car’s front bumper and tossed it into the crowd, buying them a few precious seconds of time. “We’re almost there!”

After throwing a trashcan into the mob, they reached Lightning’s car. They piled into it – thanking every deity they could think of that it was a convertible with its roof down, and Lightning floored the gas pedal.

“What about the others?” Vanille asked. “We can’t leave them!”

“We’re going to go get them!”

They screeched around the corner of the building – and almost ran over Ruby. 

“Get in.” Lightning got ready to floor it again. “Quickly.”

“But there aren’t enough seats – ah!”

“Just get in.” Fang grabbed Ruby and hauled her into the car, the girl ending up on her lap, along with Vanille. Neo arrived a second later, vaulting into the car and landing on Lightning’s lap. “Damn it, where’s Roman? Did they get him?”

“He was right behind us –”

“Drive!” Roman hurled his cane at the fans and then made a desperate leap, landing on the back of the car. “Drive now!”

Lightning didn’t have to be asked again. She floored the gas pedal, Roman clinging on for dear life as they sped away from the studio. It was only once they were a good distance away that she slowed to a stop, pulling over at a gas station a few kilometres from the studio. Roman let go of the back of the car and flopped onto his back.

“Next time you drive to the studio,” he said. “Can you bring a better car?”

Lightning winced. Neo was on her lap, and Fang had both Vanille and Ruby on hers. “I’ll get in touch with one of my old military buddies. I’ll see if I can get a tank.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I do not own Final Fantasy or RWBY.
> 
> Okay, I have no excuses for this one. It basically comes down to the fact that I thought Neo’s name (which is a play on Neapolitan) was funny when combined with the Neapolitan pun concerning Lightning, Fang, and Vanille. Throw in the oft-used idea that the characters from video games/shows are actually actors and this is what you get. And yeah, the fans are crazy. 
> 
> I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile. If you’re looking for something fun to read, try Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf, or, if you want something more serious, try The Last Huntress.
> 
> As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


End file.
